Want to know a secret?

I sleep with a stuffed animal. I have for a really, really long time. Let's see...I'd say since I was 10 years old, maybe a little older I have slept with the same one. I LOVE it. Brian has adjusted just fine. Anna and Noah do not question it, he's just part of my life. When I travel, he comes along. (unless, we fly, then I just use a pillow as a "temporary substitute.") Anyway, I love the way he fits perfect between my arms. When I turn over, he turns over with me. If I fall off the bed, he's in my arms. If I drop him, (God forbid!) I wake up up and find him. He's just comfortable. And I love him. He's a part of me. I never realized just how much until recently.

I lost a part of me this weekend.

I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I feel like it's true. As most of you know, we traveled to Louisville this weekend. We decided at the last minute to stay at a hotel because we didn't want Brian's allergies and asthma to act up so badly that he'd have to go to the hospital. We slept, for a very short period of time. Woke up, got ready, left and spent the entire day packing, moving and unpacking. We ate, ALOT. We planned to stay at my sister's new place, since it's dog free on Saturday night. At 11pm, I went to our vehicle to get the air mattress, pillows, Fievel, the stuffed animal I sleep with, and blankets, when I realized we left Fievel and my pillow at the hotel. I went inside and calmly called the hotel and figured I would just go pick him up and be back by midnight. But, the person I talked to said the housekeeping room was locked and that I would have to call after 8am Sunday morning. So, I called this morning and the man at the front desk put me on hold and came back and said nothing was found. He was sorry. I said "yes, but, I don't have it, I left it in room 206, did someone take it?" He said maybe. But more than likely it was thrown away. I should have fought, but I couldn't speak. I was too hurt at the thought of Fievel covered in biscuits and gravy and sanitary napkins, soon to be traveling to the local dump. I went into the bathroom and cried so hard. It was news I thought I could handle, but I couldn't. (still can't, crying now.) I have slept with Fievel for over 15 years.

Believe me, I have tried putting this into perspective, for those of you thinking "so what?" (and I know you're out there) I've thought, "you know, I'm 29 years old, it's time to let go, I couldn't sleep with a stuffed animal FOREVER." But, you know, I could have. And I would have. And I miss him. I know he's just a stuffed animal, but I miss him. I honestly do. My heart hurts. I dread the ever fast approaching bedtime without him.

Everyone in my family has been incredible. Very understanding. VERY sympathetic. They know. Tomorrow, my brother-in-law is going to drive to the hotel and jump into the dumpster trying to find him. I am praying with all of my heart that he finds him. But if he doesn't, I will soon forget what it felt like to sleep with him, but I will never forget how understanding and amazing everyone has been. I will never forget that my brother-in-law jumped in a dumpster trying to find a stuffed animal, for his 29 year old sister-in-law. That is family. That is love. That is the best.

It's time for bed.